Shame and addiction are as closely related as peanut butter and jelly. Shame is probably one of the most terrible feelings anyone can experience due to the shame that comes with situations that happen during active addiction. With substance abuse, this shame can create a toxic cycle of feeling bad because of behavior, but then repeating the behavior to try to feel better. Drugs are very effective at getting rid of shame. But shame tackles you to the ground and can prevent you from changing. By recognizing when you feel shame, you can begin separating yourself from your actions and start the process of recovery.
My first year in recovery when I started going back to church again, I constantly felt too ashamed and not good enough to pray to God. It took a while for that feeling to pass. In recovery I started to think clearly and realized some of my actions were wrong. In active addiction, I lost close connections. In recovery, while rebuilding those relationships, I didn’t feel worthwhile. People struggling with addiction often lie – it seems to come with the territory. In recovery, we try to live as a decent, honest, respectable person, but I felt shame for my lying while I was in active addiction. Some people in active addiction steal from friends and family, and that is difficult to forgive ourselves for. For me, just by admitting the behaviors that were dishonest during my addiction I began to feel so much better about myself. Feeling shame and guilt can be viewed positively too because sometimes you get inspired to actually change. Recognizing bad behavior and admitting it is really the first step in improving your life. For me, feeling guilt helped me realize how much harm I caused, and I needed to learn to forgive myself. Soon I began surrounding myself with a support system of people who value me, who didn’t judge me, and this helped my personal sense of worth.
Guilt can also hinder motivation to stop using. Studies show that “…higher rates of shame and guilt are linked to poor recovery outcomes. These unwanted feelings could shorten periods of abstinence, increase rates of relapse, or even keep people from seeking treatment.” (1) Who wants to admit to their family and friends that they are powerless over drugs and alcohol? Who wants to hurt and disappoint their loved ones? No one. Many people are so shamed of their past actions that they don’t feel worthy of having a happy life. These feeling can actually get in the way of recovery. The next step is to make amends to people you’ve offended every chance you get, redefine yourself, and move on. Changed behavior is the best apology right?
By Jenna Narkum
“The water said to the dirty one “Come here”. The dirty one said, “I am too ashamed.”
The water replied, “how will your shame be washed away without me?” – Pumi Hug
(1) Self-forgiveness, shame, and guilt in recovery from drug and alcohol problems, Breanna J McGaffin 1, Geoffrey C B Lyons, Frank P Deane, pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov